I want to write about how much I miss you. I don't care if it ends up sounding cheesy. I have been holding them captive for too long, locked them in chains, distorting so they seem less obvious, less deliberate�now I want to set them free.

I miss you like the sun misses its light at the end of the day. I miss you even when I may never see it rise again. I miss you because you once made me believe it would.

I guess this is what I get from wanting to finally feel something again. Now they have finally caught up with me. I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this.

Sometimes when my friends ask about us, my throat feels as though it has shriveled, dried up, tied in a knot, shriveled some more. I am still trying to grasp the concept of 'us'�was there really an 'us' to begin with�what happened to 'us'?

I will giggle at this 'us'. I will never know what to say about this 'us'. I want to talk about 'us' as if it had been true. I lied about the 'us', I told them the truth as they would want to believe�the truth that is most convenient. The 'us' just like any other 'us' in the world, fun as long as it lasted, then gone. They want to believe it was mutual�I told them it was mutual. They wanted to believe there was something�I told them it could have been everything. They wanted to believe it was only a moment of passion�I told them it meant nothing more than the fireworks on New Year's Eve�then gone.

I could never bring myself to admit it. I didn't want to lose�when you left without a single word. Sometimes I pretend I was cheated on. Sometimes I pretend I was cheating you. As long as there's something, anything, to mark a sign, to put a flag on, someone to point a finger and say, That's it. This is why. I get it now.

Then I'll get it, now.

But what if there never really was an 'us' to start with? Have I been running around in circles? Were you just a passing wind, a cool night breeze after a long day's work? Were you nothing more than a 90-minute full of tears and laughter and a happy ending and rolling credits? Were you the best movie I have ever sat through alone?

I miss you because I am not done with you. I miss you because I don't know where to go. I miss you because I don't want to know where to go.

Did you really think I would let you go so easily? Did you think I would believe it was truly over? You can not touch me like you did, knowing you will have to leave without a decent farewell. No one is allowed to do that. From the moment I trusted you with that necklace, I trusted you with my trust. I thought you were my friend. I talked to you because I wanted you to be my friend. But then you decided to turn your back against me, when everything was good, you hit me in the face when I least expected�where I least expected�and it was brilliant, what you did.

I miss you because I want to go back to that day so I can turn around just in time to see you leave. Then, I'll be able to add that to the collection of your instances in my box. When I told you I wished I could stop time, this was what I truly meant.

I miss you because I want what I can never seem to get. I miss you because missing you makes you all the more unreachable�all the more desirable.