Sometimes I still wonder if you're doing ok. I feel like I've let you down. Feel like I've let myself let you down. And because of that I will never have the courage to talk to you. I am afraid of the truth. And so I hide.

Sometimes I try to make myself cry, to feel the sadness, to force myself to mourn for you and for what has been lost because I thought it was the only right thing to do. I want to feel the tears come but as soon as they came, they were gone. I couldn't feel sad for you anymore. I don't know how to feel sad. And I am angry at myself for not being able to feel sad for you.

My heart beats for someone else. Now I'm only extremely angry or extremely happy. I am nothing else.